Sunday, 21 February 2016

High Heels, Hopes and Anxiety

High Heels, Hopes And Anxiety

Those who know me or who follow me on Instagram have probably noticed I’ve being going on and on about Las Vegas for ages! (sorry!) So I thought I would write a quick post to explain in a little more detail why this trip is so important to me. I live for adventures, bright lights, music, dancing, exploring and making amazing memories to laugh at over and over again! I can’t put in to words how inspired I feel by new and exciting places. Where the atmosphere is so unreal you’re truly living in the moment and feel like anything and everything is possible. That feeling when you have to stop what you're doing, look around and smile to yourself because you can't believe how amazing the world is and how lucky you are to be alive.

So let me tell you a secret… I rarely do any of these things. I could count on one hand all the times in my life when I’ve experienced the moment I described above. Instead I sit and watch other people living their dreams, imaging how they feel, wishing it could be me and desperately trying to ignore that ache that settles deep down inside my stomach, otherwise known as regret.

For as long as I can remember I have always been quite a shy and nervous person. I spend 90% of my day feeling worried about anything and everything. I can’t even explain why or even what I’m worried about I just always feel like something bad is going to happen. Anxiety is mentally and physically exhausting, the fear consumes your mind until it's all you feel and focus on day in and day out. It's like you’re constantly pulling a ball and chain around with you, it drags you down, makes you miserable and stops you living the life you imagined.

I always thought my anxiety would go away as I got older but year after year it got worse. To those of you who can relate to this post I just want to say the only way to gain control is to force yourself into situations you would normally shy away from. I know it’s hard, and your whole body is screaming at you not to do it, but the only way to stop it from taking over your life is to somehow find the strength to keep going even when everything is telling you to stop. I get Anxiety Attacks about something as silly as getting on a bus! - but it reaches a whole new level when it comes to the idea of getting on a plane. I cannot even put into words how terrified I am of flying. I have been trying to book this holiday for the last 5 years, I always get to the point where I book my hotel but as soon as it comes to booking the flight I give up and cancel everything.

This is such a huge test for me, and I really hope that it helps you to believe you can push yourself to achieve something you’ve been afraid to do. Never in a million years did I think I would ever find the courage to do something I'm so afraid of! Anxiety is an inside battle, no one sees it, they just see ‘weird’ behavior and write you off as being odd. Only we know the strength we have to find to fight it everyday and only we know that all too familiar feeling of dread in the bottom of our stomach. I’ve been getting myself so worked up about this trip that even while I’m asleep I have been constantly scratching the back of my head and pulling out my hair! I wake up to a pillow covered in blood and am now left with a scar at the bottom of my neck (I know right!? Gross!) I just have to keep reminding myself that through all of the sleepless nights and panic attacks this will lead to me finally achieving my dream. To stand in Vegas, wide eyed, staring at those bright lights and finally feeling alive, excited, inspired and free has got to be better than a life of feeling empty, uninspired and lonely whilst shut away in my bedroom because I feel ‘safe’… right!? 

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